puffy

i weigh the same as when i was nearly 24 weeks pregnant. i lost some last summer and somehow gained it back again. so now puffy, but no excuse, because the inside is empty. working on it for sure. cliche as all of this is.

green eyed monster

jealousy has been getting the best of me in the past year. it fills me in ways i never thought it would, all consuming. while i do feel happy for changes in others' lives, i can't get past my own losses these days. instead of joy with good news, it sets me tumbling into a dark hole, where i drown in tears for hours. i WANT to be better, i want to feel genuinely happy. i want to be sincere, but its still too hard. i want to break free, i want to remove the 1000 # of weight crushing me. i want to shed the stress, the sadness, the heartache, but instead i feel crushed into the ground, buried alive and trampled by everyone passing me by...long forgetting what pains me most.

over a year, and still the same

it's been a year now since i lost the baby. so many feelings, mostly sadness which then roots as anger and frustration. still try to ask all the same questions:

why did this happen?

what have i done to deserve this?

why did my body fail me?

what next?

it doesn't help matters that this marriage is hanging by a thread. that we barely even talk about anything anymore. that the likelihood of ever trying for another baby dwindles by the second. i know that i am depressed and that i should probably get help, but we are so broke and it seems a little self-indulgent when it's questionable if i will be able to pay the rent in less than two weeks.

24 weeks...over half way there. so unfair! i want to scream and tear everything up, but i lack the energy...and it wouldn't change anything even if i did. no one understands. sympathetic, but they do not understand....and most have forgotten anyway.

lily, i really miss you...and the life i thought we would have had.

ready for something different...