it's been a year now since i lost the baby. so many feelings, mostly sadness which then roots as anger and frustration. still try to ask all the same questions:
why did this happen?
what have i done to deserve this?
why did my body fail me?
what next?
it doesn't help matters that this marriage is hanging by a thread. that we barely even talk about anything anymore. that the likelihood of ever trying for another baby dwindles by the second. i know that i am depressed and that i should probably get help, but we are so broke and it seems a little self-indulgent when it's questionable if i will be able to pay the rent in less than two weeks.
24 weeks...over half way there. so unfair! i want to scream and tear everything up, but i lack the energy...and it wouldn't change anything even if i did. no one understands. sympathetic, but they do not understand....and most have forgotten anyway.
lily, i really miss you...and the life i thought we would have had.
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